Have you ever heard of destination addiction?
Way back at the turn of the 21st century (!) I hadn’t. But that didn’t mean that I wasn’t hooked on it, big time.
I remember the exact moment when I realised quite how much was amiss. I’d been out at a project meeting somewhere in a very dark and wet Sweden, and I was on my last leg home - flying out of Schipol Airport in Amsterdam - Business class, obvs, darling. And while I was waiting, at almost midnight, to board the plane, I saw something reflected in the window.
I saw the long line of grey suits. I saw the briefcases, I saw the trappings of success. I saw the watches and the smartphones and I smelt the booze and the aftershave in the haze that surrounded me. I saw the jostling for first place, the contest to beat the other guy. I saw it so clearly, and it made me want to cry.
I saw just one woman in that line, standing slightly apart. She was smart, professional, overcompensating and exhausted. She was successful - within the parameters that she’d set herself three years earlier, when she’d started the job.
I saw the corporate ladder that I’d climbed, despite having a toddler at home. I saw everything that I’d been fighting for in a totally male-dominated industry. And I realised that I didn’t want it. I didn’t want any of it. I was done.
I wish the me of today had been there to hold the hand of the me 23 years ago, and to explain that it was OK to slow down. I wish I’d known that “time is an illusion, and lunchtime doubly so” (with appreciation to Douglas Adams). I wish I’d known that being impatient had led me to make decisions that couldn’t possibly support the life that I wanted.
I wish that, at the time, I’d even KNOWN what I wanted. Because, as it turns out, that toddler is now 24, and towers over me, but other than him, virtually nothing of what I had in my life then is still in my life now. And it’s so much the better for it.
I’d been running through my life, as fast as I could - desperate to get to the next milestone, to reach the next marker. I’d ignored the small voice inside that was asking me to slow down, to consider if what I was doing was actually aligned with who I was. I’d pushed down the growing panic that just maybe, I was on the wrong track. I’d ignored the deep knowing that the only way out of this was to change everything - to jump off the rollercoaster. And somewhere at the back of my mind, I knew that the rollercoaster wasn’t stopping anytime soon, so it wasn’t going to be a graceful dismount.
This isn’t to say that ‘Corporate’ is bad.
In fact I’ve just jumped back into it after years of being on the run, but this time I know why; I know what and it’s on my terms. It supports my life rather than destroying what matters to me. Like Mary Poppins, I’ll stay just as long it suits, and I’m doing it because I love the people I’m working with.
In the last few years, I’ve learned that allowing myself expansiveness is crucial to making good decisions. I’ve found that the better I treat myself, the better rested and nurtured I am, the more successful (by the similar, but different parameters I now use) I get.
I’ve found that a willingness to trust my instincts will get me much further, much faster than brute force ever could: the bigger hammer doesn’t work.
More fun does.
More joy does.
More peace does.
More pondering does.
More percolating does.
More alignment does.
I’ve learned that being in flow will get me what I desire, even if sometimes it takes me a beat to recognise that fact. I’ve discovered that if I want to manifest, then there’s a long way, and a quicker way. And these days, I’m open to negotiating with The Universe to get the roadmap for the right one.
I’ve learned that acceptance is my key to peace.
I’ve learned that if where I am right now isn’t the exact destination that I desire, then that’s because it’s just a stop on the way towards it. I’ve learned that the same destination can be reached via many routes. And I’ve learned to listen to my Emotional Guidance System in order to find the best way forward. It might not be the fastest, it might not be the easiest (in the moment). But it’s the way I need to go in order to get the things that I’ll need for the next leg of my journey.
Because that’s honestly my belief. And if it helps, I’d like to offer it to you:
Everything I ever did led me to where I am now. Even the bad bits taught me so much. I wouldn’t be ‘me’ without them.
I can look back at that incident at Schipol and appreciate the information it gave me. It’s just data. And if you’re not absolutely tickety-boo about where you are right now, then I bet you’ve got data that you can use to find your way through, too. Top tip: if it doesn’t feel good, then don’t do it.
I’ve thought about this extensively, and there’s a lot in my past that I’d have considered changing, if I’d had a time machine. But from where I am right now, I know that I’d never use it.
A business class return flight to Amsterdam, though? Well, that’s another story.
Love,
Alli
P.S if you need any help working out what YOU want, click here.
Loved reading this - You paint such a vivid picture!